So as far as core beliefs go... no accidents is right up there along with everyone is a mirror. I just had a very intense and emotional encounter with someone at Top Shelf this morning. The source is irrelevant. The content was a personal attack on my behavior -accusations of control. I'm never good in moments like that with figuring out what to say or even how to respond. The ideal comeback always shows up 10 minutes to 24 hours later, never fails. This morning was no different, I basically walked away. Another AA member had a sane grounded comment, thanks to him!
I just went back into the meeting and wrote about it, thank God for my journal. I managed to slow my pulse and breathe. Somewhere between rage and sobbing. Such an odd feeling. Frustration at not being clear on why I'm reacting so strongly, why I'm so hurt or mad or wounded so easily. Pissed off at life that apparently bullies grow up to be bigger bullies and what's there for me to see about that? Am I a bully?
Here's what I wrote in the moment: "Wow - just got in a spat with XXXX - immediate huge shift in my physiology - anger - I said things that were not true. Wow - Deep Breath!!! I just put my name down for Chairperson, immediately I thought not to - WOW - so what is it about XXXX?? Answer: Being attacked personally.
There will always be those who are abrasive. I need to really think if I want to subject myself to that. I need to take my time and really think - Conversations with God says just act don't think too much...
"I never had a drinking dream when I was drinking!" Larry
Wow - Better - Just breathe -
"HOPE... Hold On Pain Ends" Jimmy
Back to current moment... after the meeting I went up to cross my name off the list of positions and Thais and Michael where there... I shared, thank God... I was OK to cry and be vulnerable. Thais said: "this is just what other sick people do, we're all sick, that I'm fine, that the pink cloud is over, that it hurts more coming from someone here because it's a safe place, it's OK to cry, let it out, you're doing great, what's there to learn?, there's more where that come from, welcome to kindergarten..." just to name what I can remember.
I know that I'm an extremely sensitive person, thus my need to stifle my feelings with nicotine and alcohol. So, this is like kindergarten!! I feel raw and beat up and grateful at the same time. I don't want to cover up or get tough - I do want to still feel and be strong in a fragile sort of way. Grateful to FEEL! The spectrum... surprised, foggy, unclear, angry, thoughts of violence, physical agitation, flushed, sad, violated, hurt, confused, frustrated, irrational, rational, needy, vulnerable, self righteous, wounded, blaming, taking responsibility, hurt again and crying, I had such a glorious day going and now this... HA! This is the best thing that could happen! Is this what the bible saying is referring to,.. "turn the other cheek," I get it! It's an opportunity to feel!
I feel a bit uncorked, like the pressure is relived, like the insides can just flow out now... This is where poems are born! Thanks XXXX!!!
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!