Wow, so far so good. I admit that I knew it would be a big undertaking and an enlightening one, but Jumpin' Jahosafat*! The exercise has definitely increased my mindfulness and decreased my stress! Every time I think of something I "should" or "shouldn't" do either now, in the past or in the future, I get to stop and let it go and BREATHE! I really should keep a list... see there I go again. Let me rephrase that: Keeping a list may be interesting, funny and revealing. See what I mean with the "shoulds?"
My language to myself is shifting. I've noticed that various types of should/shit thoughts or bad/abusive thoughts are all over the map. When I'm cleaning a frying pan, for example, I flash back to my girlfriend "from the neighborhood." Shelly, was a perfectionist about cleaning pans and she called me out for a bad job one time... and NOW in this moment, Is my cleaning detail good enough? Did I miss anything? Chris is a stickler too, will he notice? Holy Cow*!!
I threw out that plastic lid, is it recyclable? What would 'so and so' say if they saw that? What kind of new age hippy do you think you are? You lazy shit, you can't even take the time to look it up or check it out. And don't get me started on all the coffee grounds that are just being utterly and shamefully wasted ending up in a landfill instead of some part of the yard or a house plant for Frickin', Flipin' Shoot*!
I'm not just hard on myself, I'm BRUTAL and it's practically nonstop!
Yesterday I re-organized my Laurie cave for the fourth time in the last month. It wasn't a case of being vulgar to myself this time, just completely and altogether non-sensical, daffy and full of shit. After looking around, I decided I needed a dose of my own medicine. I used the logic and radical honesty I use with my clients on myself. I have had those Spanish books and vocabulary flash cards FOREVER! OUT! I kept this stack of books because the author was a client's client, REALLY? He was a difficult client and the author's not that great. OUT! Yes, AC MOORE had an amazing sale on canvases, great, but they've been sitting there for MONTHS! Long story short, I ended up donating stuff and/or moving it to the basement and making my space MUCH MORE PLEASURABLE! Once again, thanks to the mindfulness exercise I could check in and chuck it!
I took a bath yesterday because I felt like it. I slept pretty well and woke up early so I went to a meeting because I wanted to. Wild! It's a WHOLE NEW WORLD and it just keeps getting better and better! Geez Louise*! I suppose, at some point I may choose to do things I don't want to do, eventually, for now, I'm just paying attention to my self-talk. (That's a passive aggressive come back to my own unspoken thoughts about how silly it is and how stupid I am to think that I could possibly only do what I want to! Heavens to Betsy*!)
(*All swear words in this post courtesy of vintage swear words, Huff/Post50.)
Laurie Anne McCauley
Did that make you feel better?
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!