Clarity has such an odd way of presenting itself. Rather bit by bit and puzzle piece followed by a piece from a different puzzle entirely. Fabulous really. The one consistent thing is change and the unexpected unpredictable nature of it all I suppose.
I came to notice recently how utterly god damn pissed off I was - at myself - for blatantly and repeatedly ignoring every plan that I devised to manage my eating. Day after day new plan... blow it... new plan... nope blunder... a twist to yet another new plan... BIG fumble, Cresent Gate (a run in with a package of cresent rolls, salami and pepper jack... Yum!).
The anger came later, upon weigh in time and reflection and with significant indigent frustrated pissed off-ness. Fuck you! Really! You have no respect!! What the fuck?! Why bother!? I am not nice to myself, true, but I also totally disrespect myself over and over. Jeez!
This reminds me... dejavu-ness... of trying to stop drinking and quit smoking. There were repeated eerie moments of virtual amnesia, yes, also familiar. No thought let alone argument or discussion. Day after day, plan after plan the same thing happened around the same time of day... the witching hour... 3pm. Once the plan was compromised all bets were off. How many times just in the last six months have I been oh so certain that I had finally figured it out? Apparent breakthrough after epiphany and still not working.
The Artist's way describes the situation as creative blocks. Week 10 - Dangers of the Trail. Shit! She describes my relationship to food exactly. But I never really thought of it as an expression of fear... avoidance... resistance, perhaps, sabotage for sure. I don't have the time or energy to go through the whole logical sequence right now. I'm not sure I care or that it matters really. It feels like just another pseudo milestone. I wont' know until I know for a couple of days strung together. Right now I have a new view... a new appreciation of faith in free falling. The anxiety and out of control-ness is fuel...
"As we become aware of our blocking devices... the blocks will no longer work effectively. Over time, we will try - perhaps slowly at first and erratically to RIDE OUT THE ANXIETY and see WHERE WE EMERGE. Anxiety is fuel...
"Anger is fuel. Anger is meant to be listened to. Anger points the way not just the finger..."
"The object of all this blocking is to alleviate FEAR. We turn to our drug of choice to block our creativity whenever we experience the anxiety of our inner emptiness. It is always FEAR - often disguised but ALWAYS there...
She doesn't say it but I know that I need to BREATHE along with my SURRENDER and PAUSE to fucking WONDER! Take a moment to consider my silent, sneaky, motives or fears or whatever the fuck is going on. AGAIN... STILL... Perhaps I will experience this scenario that she describes in the book:
Try: using the anxiety!
Feel: I just did it! I didn't block! I used the anxiety and moved ahead! OMG, I am excited!
That would be awesome... I'm creating using the anger and anxiety and mindlessness to move me forward. Good luck! Thanks! =)
I'm submitting some of my poetry for consideration for an upcoming poetry month event. I need to write a 2-3 minute "bit" about why I write poetry. So here we go.
I started out saying to myself... because... I "need" to. When I started to break that down by looking up the definition of need more useful words presented: necessity, requisite, urgent, requirement... still not quite hitting the proverbial nail... I do crave and long for something from poetry. I realized it's the ability to express a way of self declaration and intimate vulnerable way to reveal myself. This concise communication of my thoughts, experiences and feelings has always just flowed forth. There is an element of growth and processing and learning as well. Elements of my experience are solidified, truths revealed as well as the awareness of mysteries ongoing. Tools and perspectives are made available to me through my own self expression and review. There is an archival aspect as well. That the seeds may be thrown up and recorded so that they may be noticed and identified and planted years later. I am constantly surprised by the relevance I find re-reading things hours, days or years even decades later.
So I write to express, to reveal, to grow and to record. Always this pursuit has been for myself by myself and never shared. Only recently have I chosen to be more vulnerable by making it available to the world through my website. Now through this event and possibly through an open mike night... I'm living the dream. Why not share it!
People who know me have probably been waiting for this day to come. The day that Laurie Anne McCauley finally fucking figures out that life IS HARD! I just finished a Courage & Renewal Cohort retreat. I'm sitting in the library at the Bishop Booth Conference Center in Burlington, VT all alone. I stayed an extra night precisely to write and process what may be the most meaningful recent breakthrough. So settle in... I'm in a beautiful place and not in a hurry with a lot to sort through.
I have experienced things as easy that others have undyingly described as hard. Quitting smoking is the example I'll use. I rankle when people say it. Especially people who never smoked or quit smoking. "That's so,.,, HARD... Wasn't that the HARDEST thing ever?" and on and on. It pisses me off actually, (which should be a nod that there's something there for me to examine further.) My experience of not smoking is EASY... there is no desire to smoke,,, there is no temptation... no longing... no internal battle. The obsession has lifted. The process of quitting was annoying and required a lot of creativity, persistence and perseverance.... but that doesn't register as HARD... just tenacious endurance and necessity.
So maybe in my definition of Hard, I'm grasping at pins or smoke or something.,, oh straws, I'm grasping at straws... (that's a weird saying for Grant & Martha.) Anyway, you get the picture. It's fucked up and apparently I have been resisting anything that seems hard and just not doing it... Shit! Hello!?!
I can usually tweak my perspective, point of view, attitude and head space to convince myself that things are not "hard" but if it really is hard I simply avoid it. I don't think that's surrendering so guess what...? I'm surrendering my avoidance of things I perceive as hard. Or scary for that matter... but let's stick with hard for now. (See how I want to make it more and harder so I can avoid it!! I'll save scary surrender for another day.) I am REALLY attached to things being easy. I just realized I am really PROUD of the fact that things are easy for me, especially if others think it's hard. If it's not easy then it's not meant to happen or be or it's completely going to remove me from the "flow." Talk about convincing... I have no idea where it came from or how it protects me or why but I am adamantly secured to the concept of Ease and Grace in all things always. You can find blog posts about the untruth of "No Pain No Gain" and other rants about how unfair it is that the suffering is directly proportional to the gains realized. The fact that we are in a paradoxical, relative reality... I'm still fighting it!! Silly but true.
The situation with food and eating and adjusting my "in the moment" attitude is fucking hard, dammit! There's nothing easy about it. The fact that I have been wanting and waiting for it to be easy is, apparently, part of the fuel that fires it's continuation. There is no obsession to be lifted in this dilemma. There is a huge shift and complete 180 in thinking about time and logevity and food and self care. Things I have never really considered before without judgement or rules or fear or embarrassment or expectations.... without loads and piles and mountains of fucking baggage I didn't even know was there.
Here's the source of the breakthrough.... I have for my life written poetry, my entire life. It has been easy. So far there has been nothing hard about writing poetry. Anything that appeared as hard I promptly and completely evaded and deflected. It is and was always about and for me and only me. A form of self expression that I seldom shared or even felt the inclination to share. I also realize now that sharing risked vulnerability and judgement and all kinds of nasty possible feelings so it was easier to just keep it to myself. I also could harbor delusions of grandeur and live in certainty that all my poems would absolutely be discovered, monumental and wise once I am dead. Once again much easier to live in the fantasy world than actually expose myself to the light of day and see the truth may not be what I imagined. Excellent plan!! It's worked for me for decades! Yeah!
The breakthrough.... I'm getting there! Reading other poets just started a year ago when I started coming to the Courage and Renewal retreats. The last time I read poetry other than mine was when I was very young. It provided much need clarity, perspective and inspired me to write and that was enough. Now I'm noticing the positive, enlightening impact that poetry still has on me and I wonder if there is something in my poetry that others may benefit from. I know I have talent... raw talent... and here's the rub... honing the rawness is HARD! I perceive it as WORK... (new word alert...) to acuminate the natural ability I have to put forth time and effort and think hard and listen to people who may know more than I do... I have to be vulnerable and brave and kind to myself. SHIT!! And I have to practice over and over... another core belief that needs to shift... repetitive practice, repetitive anything is boring and boring is Hard and Hard is to be avoided at all costs. Here it is... the universe presented a teacher for me for poetry. When the student is ready and all that jive... and I had the courage to ask for help. And I had the courage to accept that there may be "hard work" involved AND... AND that that is OK!
The breakthrough is so fucking simple... I'm just growing up. That's all! This involves work and collaboration and reconciling my fantasies and my feelings and my being with the world I'm living in and the people around me. Not loosing but finding myself whole in that reality and figuring out what the fuck I want to do when I grow up! Damn!
So everything is OK.... even when it's not OK and it is apparently true that HARD is also OK. Surrendering or getting over or around or under my resistance to "HARD" is just the next step. Onward & upward... Ho!
So much to say so much procrastination blocking me. I just read through Week 8 of the Artist's Way and decided to "just do it" and post today.
I have nothing in particular but loads in general to share. I'm sitting at Kru coffee wasting time until I go to an eye doctor's appointment in 1/2 hour. I stopped in here when it first opened and didn't care for the coffee. I still don't, apparently it hasn't gotten more tasty overtime. I am glad to see that the place is busy and it is only 2 minutes (literally) from my appointment.
I've experienced a time of funk... that would make a great posting name... (so I changed it! NICE>>>) the "days of funk" "funkified and treading life..." many variations pop to the surface... ha ha... I'm not sure the cause of the funkification... but it has slowly passed and I am returning to some sense of normal optimism and gratitude. I found that even my stand by mediation practice is powerless in the face of funkdom. Meditation actually made it worse because of the disappointment that it didn't work to actually free me from it. I had to adjust my expectations from freedom or enlightened probing to endurance and perseverance.... that SUCKED!!
Apparently time and possibly valtrex are the only known sources of relief. The full blood blue eclipse moon is making it's appearance tonight... wonder if that had something to do with it? Who fucking knows.
Any who. I have decided that now the stomach virus, holiday frenetics and house buying highs are mellowing out or passed I am floundering for specific purpose and homesick for structure and routine. I can do something about that... my sleeping routine has returned to something resembling "normal" and I could see myself attending the morning AA meeting again regularly.
I discovered at a meeting today that a surprising number of my favorite and most enduringly useful quotes can be found in the text of step 10 in the 12 and 12.
Isn't there some age old saying that there is safety in numbers? I would disagree with that on a gut level. I much prefer to be alone or perhaps with one other person. This does beg the question of what is "safety" and when do you feel safe.
Here is the definition....
adjective, safer, safest.
1. secure from liability to harm, injury, danger, or risk: a safe place.
2. free from hurt, injury, danger, or risk: to arrive safe and sound.
3. involving little or no risk of mishap, error, etc.: a safe estimate.
4. dependable or trustworthy: a safe guide.
5. careful to avoid danger or controversy: a safe player; a safe play.
I actually think that the synonyms are more telling and thought provoking.
intact guarded out of danger
I've added this little.... -----> READ MORE button to make it easier to comment... try it.
The practice of pausing is paying off. I actually find myself in a moment of decision checking in with my "inner teacher" or "higher power." I've been so surprised to hear, frequently, "It doesn't matter." This puts me in my place and helps considerably with my humility. I had this unreasonable expectation that with synchronicity and God winks everywhere... EVERY decision I made/make led down a magical path to a perfect outcome. Yikes, that's pressure!
"It doesn't matter." Is the answer to many questions... Should I call so and so? Should I go to this AA meeting or that one? Should I email or write or meditate now? Should I buy this or that? Should I say something or stay still? The level of gravity of the questions is a reflection of the solitude, ease and simplicity of my life. YEAH! I've totally earned this effortlessness!
Who me, pretentious? A tiny bit pompous and grandiose? What? No! SLAP! Amazing how simple and unemotional the response in my mind appears, smooth and quiet, "it really DOESN'T matter... AND it's OK!"
Occasionally I will get, if I continue to listen for just a moment longer... "but... It would be fun to..."
the suggestion is sometimes obvious and sometimes out of left field. Awesomeness....
When meditating the last few days I've been present to a lack of self confidence and the presence of a gray smoke-like saboteur. That's putting it nicely. The "piggy" of the Never Binge Again era seemed to return and rebel and fight and resist the "cage" prescribed for it. I proceeded to notice a very intense nasty feeling of not just a saboteur but real self HATRED... active and swirling and curious.
PAUSE "It doesn't matter... but you may want to ALLOW it, EXPLORE it..." Really, that seems scary and odd. Shouldn't I try to whisk it away with some happy color or ignore it and hope it goes away of it's own volition?
PAUSE... OH>>>> so here's a chance to practice what I fucking learned and actually ALLOW & EXPLORE...? OK... it's OK! The hatred is, of course, just fear I discovered. The fear is grounded in not feeling safe, for me. Understandable, completely, life is after all inherently NOT SAFE... right!?
So as an exercise yesterday I went around all day saying to myself "I AM SAFE" or "YOU ARE SAFE"... every spare open space of thought. I paused to remind myself that I am safe. That is all. No long diatribe or explanation. And how does that feel? Does that apply right now? To this english muffin? to this car ride? to this song on the radio? to this feeling or that comment?
I'll continue this today and report back... ultimately "It doesn't matter... because no matter what, I AM SAFE!" Shit!
Let's be clear.... spiritual game happening! So much for my piece of mind so instantly annoyed by the fact that I just purchased Conversations with God Book 1 on Kindle found the quotes I wont in the Kindle reader and I can't copy and paste them here!! So I'll wait until I get home and have the book in front of me to type in the goodies...
My first inclination was to call it an interpreter switch. In the shower the idea of an interface came up and seemed to fit as well. I have, officially, sustained an internal interface upgrade. I'm currently breaking it in and getting used to it. Still reverting to the old way I did things, occasionally, for sure.
In the past I may have called it an epiphany, but that feels like it provides the idea of a fleeting or a passing thing (ephemeral) and this is a permanent situation.
Now the challenging bit... explaining what the fuck I'm talking about. So... I'll start where it started with a poem that came to me while I was meditating this morning... I won't transcribe the whole thing just enough to get the idea across...
Race away, QUICKLY!!
No discomfort allowed, RUN!
Here it comes, doubt, uncertainty
Hunger, sadness... Run!
Kill it off!
Don't stand still
If you pause,
It will surely catch you!
Don't get attached
Don't show your belly
They'll tear you to pieces
It's quite ordinary!
Don't pause, meditate or pray!
And for heaven's sake don't stay
In one place!
Keep it goin' it's safer that way!
Don't care at all
You'll only get hurt
Run away, QUICK!
There's more but that's plenty to get the gist (yes, GIST... cool, look it up!) of it. What I realized was this was my old interface talking. Everything that happened was viewed through that filter. Every thought, action, outside happening was regarded through that "interpreter" / "filter" / "interface".... Now I'm free to regard, consider, feel, everything on a moment by moment basis. Awareness of the interface was triggered by something Shirley said a couple weeks ago about it being "OK to feel hungry" which expanded into it's OK to feel uncomfortable from the book Binge No More... I've also been aware of the constant underlying, background urge to be in a hurry all the time since we got the new house. That underlying always present buzzing fearfulness... ick!
So, welcome to a whole new world where none of that is necessary... life is safe, serene, enjoyable and I am free. The new interface also address the constant fear of not being perfectly efficient and time and effort saving... another long term constant hack!
Over the holidays I happened upon a chakra wall hanging. I love the images and prayers for each one. I share them here so I will have access anywhere any time.
Base Chakra: I am connected with the energy of Mother Earth. My body, mind and spirit are grounded, centered and pure.
Sacral Chakra: I love all dimensions of myself. I delight in weaving the creative tapestry that is my life!
Solar Plexus: My will & divine Will are one. I am connected to the abundant flow of the Universe. I easily manifest my dreams
Heart Chakra: My heart is open to receive the energy of LOVE. I radiate this essence. I walk my path with ease & grace.
Throat Chakra: I am aligned with my highest truth. I communicate this with love & honor. My words echo softly within the Universe.
Third Eye: My mind is OPEN to new visions. I expand my awareness through my HIGHER self.
Crown Chakra: I am connected to the Divine Source of the Universe. I am Light! I trust!
This is the stuff that meditations are made of for me. I have to say also I appreciate the freedom to speak my truth without fear. I have noticed my thoughts reacting to the last post with apologies. I don't need to apologize to anyone ever regarding my beliefs or experiences. I acknowledge this and focus on gratitude... David Rast... on OnBeing Grateful.
Each year my questioning seems to grow with no real answers or resolution. What the fuck are holiday feelings suppose to feel like? So far I know about this... for me:
What you may notice is missing from my list is anything to do with family or community in general. I have never relied or been drawn to create or participate in any type of gathering. I usually go because it's expected, if at all.
I've been grasping for a happy holiday feeling, even thinking way back to holidays when I was young. There was frequently some level of discomfort and underlying tension. The fact that family members don't all get along is fucking intensely obvious and raw. Since I've stopped drinking, powering through social gatherings is usually a chore. If there are people that I see only once per year that I respect and care about, that's great and nice... but I don't like to "vie" for their attention or try to share a conversation... I HATE small talk! I guess I need practice still, talking to more than one person at a time. See previous blog entries...
To make it more palatable and fun I may have to start taking my camera again to entertain myself and feel a tiny bit useful. I've tried to pass the time and fit in by helping clean up and been discouraged or flatly denied... odd...
So this is all feels a bit sad I guess and depressing a little. But not really, for me it's just the way it is. It's nice to get clarity around my expectations and be aware of the source and actual level of merriment-i-tude. I am, then, again, as usual, alone in my experience and the power to create and enjoy it.
Enjoy the music, decor, cooking, cards, food, smells & gifts to the fullest =)
Bring the camera to all gatherings
I just realized I didn't even mention church or Christ's birth... not a factor, see previous post on My Creed... and Happy Hanukkha
PS. All loving acts of service, giving and fellowship are things I create day by day all year long.
In the summer of my 21st year on this planet I took the opportunity to lay down Catholicism for numerous reasons I need not elaborate on at this time. I do recall that the concept of original sin, in particular, became untenable to me... that all persons are BORN evil and need some "other" ceremony or church to become "sinless" and worthy of eternal life. I happened to be on a summer job at Villanova University and LeHigh near Philadelphia at the time of this epiphany. I remember walking through the library at Villanova, wandering among the stacks..... stopping, pulling a random book off a shelf and opening to this arbitrary page and passage
"Benjamin Franklin, Letter to Ezra Stiles, 9 March 1790, in John Bigelow, ed., The Works of Benjamin Franklin, at 12:185-86 (New York: Putnam’s, 1904) (paragraphing edited and bullets added for readability).
You desire to know something of my religion. It is the first time I have been questioned upon it. But I cannot take your curiosity amiss, and shall endeavor in a few words to gratify it.
Here is my creed.
As to Jesus of Nazareth, my opinion of whom you particularly desire,
A friend asked me today if I could summarize my beliefs. My thought were immediately drawn back to these words and this experience 32+ years ago... I can recall the day, the light streaming in, the dust motes floating, a creaking floor, solitude and reading the words above with a calm and serene confidence and peace that I had never really felt regarding god and religion in my life to that point. Nice mental road trip!
Happy Holidays.... and for more interesting reading on Ben Franklin and his religious beliefs... check out... http://benjaminfranklinbio.com/benjamin-franklin-on-religion/145/
I have come across, accidentally of course, the solution, finally to my eating and weight management journey. Yes, it's true! I'm not sure what I was doing when I stumbled across it but I ended up downloading an audio book called "Never Binge Again" by Glen Livingston. I listened to the whole book once and then started again and I love it. I'm not wild about the voice talent but the actual content is fucking perfect! I was done with Dr. Matt's plan it was just to restrictive and didn't jive with my natural hunger cycles. It also didn't ever allow for bread or pasta... ever and took too much time and thought on a daily fucking basis! Seriously I have time, but it was crazy unless I wanted to eat fake, protein shakes constantly.
This book's philosophy and methods totally resonate with me! What I found most interesting:
As much as I would like to think and believe that I am impervious to the actions of others it's a big fat lie. The longer I'm sober the more I understand and realize why I drank. It was easier to deal with the pain, the hurt. Apparently rather than being immune and impervious, I'm the opposite, sensitive and vulnerable. I know that some people would say this is a good thing. It doesn't feel good when people are hurtful. Their intentionality doesn't matter so much (right now). Just the acknowledging of it and the what the FUCK do I do with THIS hurt feeling? I realize my response is a choice... but feeling the feeling itself is out of my control.
So the word "HACK" just came to mind... Odd how words just appear and what a great word. I had no idea. I never considered using it outside of the obvious computer related meaning. I like it! I am going to hack the feeling... I can't hack the hurt! I'll create a hack or use a hack or be a fucking hack! I do love words! This is an unexpected gem =)
hackverb (used with object)
1. to cut, notch, slice, chop, or sever (something) with or as with heavy, irregular blows (often followed by up or down): to hack meat; to hack down trees.
2. to break up the surface of (the ground).
3. to clear (a road, path, etc.) by cutting away vines, trees, brush, or the like
4. to damage or injure by crude, harsh, or insensitive treatment; mutilate; mangle
5. to reduce or cut ruthlessly; trim:
The Senate hacked the budget severely before returning it to the House. there's a lot of hacking goin' on!
6. Slang. to deal or cope with; handle: He can't hack all this commuting.
So I will make use of my new found knowledge of hacking to allow the feeling to resonate and reverberate and sink down and nestle in. No resistance only pausing to wonder and observe. Meditation has become an excellent hack! Go hacking!
Some mornings there is only to write. That is all. To type out like working out with your thoughts via your fingers. Some things I think I don't feel open to share on this forum. So I'll write write that elsewhere. I guess I can comment on the general idea without details. The joy of finding and buying a dream home is an amazing once in a lifetime experience. It's something to share and people are happy for you, supportive and excited. I've been joking saying that Chris and I, instead of having a kid, are having a house. It feels appropriate and true although we have less anxiety, physical pain and sleep loss.
It baffles my mind and it's basically unknowable why someone would choose to be distant and non supportive in such a time. It is all about them... something they are going through or suffering through or possibly a misunderstanding or old hurt... All there is to do then is to try to be understanding and set boundaries so their rain doesn't encroach on your parade... right? It's sad to watch, though and still puts a bit of a damper on the celebration. On the other hand the lack of outside involvement is allowing Chris and I to bond and make our own decisions about everything together... so in that regard it's awesome and perfectly perfect. Well... it IS perfectly perfect the universe is just waiting for me to figure that out. Who is available to support us and ultimately that we have each other to depend on in the end. I guess that's more and more obvious through this recent experience.
What there is to do... this is all... to enjoy each moment blissfully aware of how precious it is and grateful for the joyous gifts all around me always.
"Artist's Way: Week 1: Task 8: Imaginary Lives: If you had five other lives to lead, what would you do in each of them? I would be a pilot, a cowhand, a physicist, a psychic, a monk. You might be a scuba diver, a cop, a writer of children's books, a football player, a belly dancer, a painter, a performance artist, a history teacher, a healer, a coach, a scientist, a doctor, a Peace Corps worker, a psychologist, a fisherman, a minister, an auto mechanic, a carpenter, a race car driver, a sculptor, a lawyer, a singer, a hacker, a soap-opera star, a country singer, a rock and roll drummer. Whatever occurs to you, jot it down. Do not overthink this exercise.
The point of these lives is to HAVE FUN in them - more fun than you might be having in this one. Look over your list and select one. Then do it this week. For instance, if you put down country singer, can you pick a guitar? If you dream of being a cowhand, can you go horse back riding?"
I completed this exercise last week and I was so moved, touched and inspired. What fun, really! Not to mention it just so happens that I am in a position to change my "career" so it's perfect to be thinking about it. My answers were... National Geographic Photographer, Poet Laureate, Field based scientist like Archaeologist, Anthropologist or Biologist, Philosopher/Author/Teacher and Wilderness Survivalist & Trainer. Juices are flowing! On the Alaska the Last Frontier show last night Ots mentioned that they have to be Imagineers to get things done around the homestead. THAT's an awesome title... of course DISNEY took it! Imagineer!
The closing is TODAY on the new house. We're over the moon excited. Stay tuned!
Greetings I've just spent an hour or so reviewing and completing a bunch of "DRAFT" posts from all different dates... interesting that in Weebly when you save a draft post you can't change the date so each of those is forever linked to the original date I created them. Interesting... frozen in time. There was quite a spread in topics from bed making (7/25/17) to burning bridges (10/9/17) and a fun little poem (10/14/17). How fun to look back. It inspires me to look back in my journals and update that page today.
So... I diverge from my original idea for the day... doesn't matter though! Excellent! So any how this is stream of consciousness writing, per Julia Cameron's The Artist's Way process. Amazing and wonderful way to start the day. No worries, I won't usually be blogging my every morning morning pages but felt like it this morning...
Best totally yummy use of Celery Root... an amazing fall side dish using a fabulously ugly veg. One of my all time favorite pass times is to explore new weird fruits and veggies at the Farmer's Market and try a bunch of new recipes with that off the wall item. It was easier in Venice Beach. The Santa Monica Farmer's Market had way more odd choices that I find here... but it's still fun. So the delectable, scrumptious celery root discover is from Martha! Go Martha! Apple & Root Vegetable Hash
As I munch on a bit of the hash with a scrambled egg this morning I'm listening to a wonderful Ted Radio Hour about how important it is to reach out and communicate with anyone and everyone and a few ideas on how to do that! Dialogue & Exchange!
that is all for now...
It's Sunday and there's a meeting at 8 am then the Farmer's Market and I get to go off now and attempt to assist and be in service and LISTEN quietly and see what shows up! Excellent!
Not sure where to start with this one... I guess expressing frustration, anger, angst, and annoyance... all directed toward yours truly. I do recognize that I am the source of all my own consternation. That only serves to make the search for a solution more exasperating. I have been on a love hate relationship journey with my latest wellness program (diet). I have experienced some success loosing 10 ish pounds and breaking the lowest lately weight. I had the supreme joy of shopping for a couple new pairs of jeans, an unexpected expectation that hadn't occurred to me.
These successes acknowledged... I also have to admit that I am NOT enjoying it. It is WORK to come up with and stick to healthy, controlled eating of six meals per day. Am I making it harder than it needs to be... probably?! Am I experiencing repeated run-ins with "failure" and obsessive eating?! Most definitely. My coach has been supportive and consistent in his encouragement and focus on the bright side... tomorrow IS a new day... Today is Thanksgiving... I have given up trying to predict or control what I eat and I am still of the mind that somehow someday I will just WANT what is good... like children do before they learn to love or hate or covet or repel food.
I had a major indulgent adventure yesterday... It started with a bagel... with butter... OMG which, I know now, creates further intense hunger in a short time. That hunger was only partly sated by two Hattie's thighs and had to finally be muffed out by a "little" Five Guys cheese burger (all the way) a little fry and a salted caramel milk shake. Yes, folks, this is what binge eating looks like on paper. The reality, in the moment, was savoring every bite and throwing out a good portion of the latter because I really DON'T like being stuffed no matter how good it is. (I think this is progress??!!).
Bottom line... I want the ongoing weight loss without the work of planning and will powering through 6 fucking meals a day. I'm much happier eating nothing then binge eating later... the binge can be smaller and less fattening... without sugar is actually fine... I think I will bust out the book called Diets Don't Work and read that again.
Bottom, Bottom line... my true pissed off-ness is created by my lack of internal integrity or alignment... I notice myself promising myself things "OK... now, the rest of the day I won't eat anything... " "Oh, one more... that's IT!" I'm lying to myself fucking constantly. I need to shut the fuck up, sit with this whole thing, write and figure out what I am willing to truly agree to and follow through with from here. For today, Thanksgiving... I will not overeat. That is all I'm saying for now. Live with it. Tomorrow IS a new day and I promise to sit down and review my situation again at that time.
I am determined to be bemused regarding this entire wellness - diet - weight loss and eating conversation! Dammit! Only in the way of the LAST definition!
bemused [bih-myoozd] adjective
1. bewildered or confused: a bemused expression on his face.
2. lost in thought; preoccupied.
3. mildly amused, especially in a detached way.
We camped out at the new house for over eight hours yesterday. It was wonderful. An over the top opportunity to sit with the space and map it and check it out inch by inch. Our Realtor, Joan, arranged for all the necessary inspections and an appraisal on the same day. Overwhelming and fabulous and nicely efficient. This home is larger than the first one we checked out and that I show in pictures in a previous blog. There is also 4x more property. We were able to get an impromptu tour of the grounds including an active beaver lodge and damn, porcupine dens and a Heron nesting area. Wow!!
I have to remind myself to trust and be fearless. I find myself spinning off into overwhelm and a bit of anxiety regarding the size of the place and the scope of projects to do as well as opportunities. Fuck - Fuck - Fuck!! We also get a range of reactions which reflect and mirror our own feelings... from skeptical disbelief to joyous celebration.
That's the range of emotions I've been living in. I guess that's completely appropriate and perfect and it's grand that Chris and I are embarking on this whole thing together. I keep making a hand gesture reflective of reeling in a big fish... that's it... I have to keep reeling it in the expectations as well as the fears, the possibilities and the projects. It IS ALL GOOD and perfect and wonderful and exciting to be in the moment. THAT is where I resolve to stay rooted!
OH... the Doctor was absolutely wonderful! Well done Rappaport and Staff! Beyond reproach and I will post a positive review online for your timely, professional, courteousness! My faith in the existence of excellent medical professionals is restored... for now. =)
I have an appointment this morning with a Dermatologist I've never seen before. The last one I interacted with here in Saratoga was unethical, uncaring and an ego maniac... yep! I actually went back to have a couple of moles removed that she suggested at $300 a pop... OMG!!
I had melanoma and two surgeries to remove the cancer in 1995. I was advised by the dermatologist I saw at the time that everything was fine and I'm the one who asked that the mole be biopsied. In a nut shell... I don't have a good track record with doctor's being very useful. I have since then gone to see a professional every 6 months for the first five years then every year since... approximately. Based on Chris' referral I made an appointment with Rappaport and just finished reading his "rules"... His office sent out paperwork to complete in advance, which is fine for a new patient situation. I was a bit put off by the tone of the letter, perhaps he gets lots of abuse...? people who don't carry ID or provide their insurance card? or cancel appointments w/o notice or aren't aware they may need a referral for insurance purposes. The letter got me thinking and so I went online to look for reviews of Dr. Rappaport and it was a mixed bag. Chris just advised me to be patient when I get there, apparently he had to wait for awhile. This got my mind cranking on a different note. I am creating my own Patient Requirements & Requests that I would provide to any doctor I plan to see.
Dear Potential Doctor & Staff,
Welcome to my precious body, mind, spirit. I have successfully survived and thrived for 52 years in this bag of bones and know it quite well. I am intelligent, courteous, kind, curious, informed and respectful. I expect to be treated accordingly. To avoid any misunderstandings in this regard allow me to be very specific.
If you are not amenable to my expectations, I completely understand. Our cultural norm is quite divergent from what I've laid out above. That's fine... I can and will find a medical professional who is interested in partnering with me regarding wellness. One who finds my requests as obvious and thoughtful as I do and appreciates a human willing to require respectful as well as informed services.
Please sign here that you and your staff have read and understand my requirements and requests...
Primary Professional Names & Dates
Staff Names & Dates
I'll let you know how it goes over! =)
I had stopped dreaming or wishing or wondering really. I'd put down the desire in a back room closet, not full of dust and cob webs, but not part of the daily thought train either. It's been hanging around for so long, 40 years, maybe more or less. The dream of being on safe land with a view. My community project is something of legend in my mind.
It's suddenly visible, palpable, real and in front of me. Holy Shit! It lends a whole new meaning to the saying "Careful what you wish for." It's fucking SCARY it's so big and awesome and perfect. I guess I'm ready and I'm grateful I have my wits about me (for the moment anyhow). Now what?! Fuck, Fuck, Fuck! (as Dee and I would say in the day!)
I didn't realize how entrenched and attached I've become here, where I live now... familiar, comfortable, beautiful... home (Vista). Finally tending the garden with vigor and grace... finally sorting out what to keep and let go, what fits and feels right and not. Actually just being present and focused on other things. Holy shit... now we'll have this place... I cringe, fearful I'll jinx the thing. Better not to say that until it's done. We only just found it. We only just realized on Saturday how IDEAL it is in ways we hadn't even thought of, dreamed possible. Vista is home and perfection in it's own way maybe that's why the dream was on a backroom closet shelf.
Maybe that's the secret? I'd accepted how superb and wonderful it it is right now where I am. Does that create space for dreams to manifest...? The letting go and kinda giving in? The timing is unbelievable a superb God wink an undeniable alignment. Just that awareness gives me the courage to continue. So many new challenges and lessons and adventures OH MY!! I have a whole new way of being, behaving, perceiving. Chris & I together, a completely new book to create together... not just a new chapter!
That is all I can muster for the moment. My head and heart are a blur or thoughts and emotions. I had no idea anything could feel this way! I'm such a newbie at this!? Deep breath, stay present and ENJOY! Yep! I have a whole new level of compassion, understanding & appreciation for my move management clients. Yikes! Thoughts for later exploration: how does the place where you live define you? become part of you? how do people possible manage "being" in such different places? schitzo?
It's faint but the memory is clear, what it was like after I first stopped smoking. There's an odd tender, frail and delicate space while the body - mind - spirit adjusts to a new way of being. For me the lack of a nasty, nagging, incessant, brutish internal dialog tempting me to smoke again was gone. This has become a hallmark for me that a real shift has occurred. It's never been so much about will power... "the obsession is lifted" in AA speak. I have no idea the source of the silence - it's magical and very hard earned at the same time.
My persistence is all I can link to the three experiences I've had to date... alcohol on 4/14/14 - cigarettes on 7/25/15 and food on 10/13/17.
Back to the topic. For the last shift, I am, right now, in the midst of the tender times... There's an awakening on a physical level - BIG TIME - sometimes gradual sometimes abrupt, always curious and interesting. I've finally been able to follow through without the negative talk and internal struggle. The two areas that happened at the same time this time were food and meditating. Perhaps one allowed or supported the other but it doesn't really matter...
Food: the main changes were NO sugar... no starches or grains only veggies and protein. I'm on day thirteen of a 3 month program. I texted a photo of my journal to my wellness coach Dr. Matt Smith on a nightly basis with questions and feedback. I just finished a three day Master Cleanse style (lemon juice/maple syrup) detox. The program includes SIX fucking meals a day. I absolutely hated it at first. I had to just stay home in the mornings to adjust. If I didn't get the first couple of meals in the whole day was more challenging. Trial and error... or play and adjust... it's been interesting. I've had to be flexible and let go of a lot of my pre-conceived notions. I've been able to let the experience reveal itself... SLOWLY... (that's another general take away... FUCKING be PATIENT! then be PATIENT SOME MORE... and AGAIN... yes... AND AGAIN.) The physical transformation is ongoing and amazing. I meet with Dr. Matt today to check in on weight, BMI, etc. I don't need him to tell me the changes are very positive. I want to eat well and exercise... WHAT!!?? YES! Shit... this is what I requested. Yeah!!
The delicate days continue and I relish them... "the pink cloud" in AA speak. All wonder and gratitude, fascination and reverence, surprise and curiosity. It is like being reborn... truly. The old, habitual ways seem to drift away or peel off or come away with a good scrub. All that wasn't working is shifted like a mist lifting to reveal a reflection in a BIG bubble... colorful and brilliant, spinning and new, floating and fragile.
Along the same time... I've been participating in a course by Drew Cali on Awakening Your Intuition. He insists, as the only homework, that we complete 15 minutes of a sitting still daily meditation. Sounds easy, right? Not when you have the internal "villainous voice" (I'm naming it... THE VV) constantly making excuses and fighting you tooth and nail. I recently had a break through on that front as well. I have enough meditations to sort through on an app called Insight Timer... it was overwhelming actually. I didn't know what I wanted or what would resonate. I finally came across Opening Your Chakras by DavidJi that was awesome. That led me to use Drew's actual CD. I started to combine the meditation with breathing techniques I learned from David Elliot when I studied with him in LA.
POOF!! Like magic, seriously, no joke! I can't and I'm not going to try to explain what that was like right now. I don't have the words yet. I can say that afterward I felt grounded - solid and lighter and brighter at the same time. AWESOME and WEIRD!
Trekking onward - awe inspired - light and lovingly!
I decided back in November 2015 to make my poetry available and journal online. I'm not exactly sure what "blogging" means but I am quite sure this is an online journal. Feel free to read on with an aire of open minded curiosity. At no time do I intend to offend, judge or pretend to know anything really, I'm just an observer and explorer, as we all are. Feel free to "boldly go" through my observations and perhaps it will spark or inspire. Comments are off because I don't want to be worried about political correctness when I'm writing. I'm not thinking about "you." I'm just writing because it feels "right". Feel free to enjoy or surf on.
Fibber McGee's closet!